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Positive Reinforcement |
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Child Positive Reinforcement
There are four basic forces that motivate all humans. First is love, the most powerful motivator. The second is physical needs: food, security, warmth. Number three is pleasure: our jobs, our car, our house… things that please us. Fourth, and least powerful, is pain and fear.
As parents, when it comes to trying to motivate our children, we lean most heavily on pain and fear. Isn’t that interesting? The reality is, however, that a far more powerful motivator is love. Love is what is going to help our children when they are not with us, as they grow and become adolescents. Love is going to be the most powerful motivator to get them to say, “No, I don’t want that” or “I won’t do that.”
Our love for them is the key.
What was the motivation that caused Jesus to come down and die for us? John 3:16 tells us it was His love for us that motivated Him to die on the cross.
The dictionary says “to react” means “to act in response to a stimulant or to stimulus, to act in opposition.” So to react is a negative action.
Loving someone is not reacting to that person.
As Christian parents, as ministers, we should only be negative regarding sin and the misrepresentation of God. We should not be negatively reacting to our children in any circumstance.
Reacting takes no thought. It is a “no-brainer” in which our mind reacts in the flesh. In other words, whatever comes to mind, we simply react to it. Reacting requires no self-control. It is our second nature, our flesh.
When their kids do something wrong, many parents will react in the wrong way with the first thing that comes to their minds, if they allow their flesh to dictate. Things like yelling, being angry, harsh words, or angry and disgusted facial expressions. The list of sinful and fleshly reactionary expressions toward our children can get pretty long.
It is so important that we remember every day that we are the most powerful influences in our children’s lives!
Every time we get angry and react to our kids in a negative way, we should visualize pulling a sword out and slicing their hearts.
Every single time.
Of course we do not see the damage we cause in the physical sense, but it is truly taking place. In addition, when we do not deal with that damage properly, infection sets in, then bitterness, then resentment, and when our kids become teenagers, we pay the price.
As a counselor, I have seen hundreds of Christian boys and girls with broken hearts. They are so infected, so full of pain, and sadly, the parents who raised these kids never even considered the damage they were doing to their children over and over again by reacting to their behavior instead of responding in love.
Reaction to circumstances and our emotions takes no time, it is instantaneous. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “…a harsh word stirs up anger.” The Bible also tells us that we are to remove things like harsh words from our behavior. “But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth” (Colossians 3:8). We are to accept this truth and make a conscious decision to stop any sinful reaction towards our children.
Sadly, it is quite common for Christian parents to react in the flesh towards their children, yet never take responsibility for the results.
According to the dictionary, “to respond” means “to react positively.” In other words, responding is positive, contrary to reacting.
Responding takes thought; we have to use our mind and will. Scripture commands that we, “…bring every thought captive unto God’s Word” (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Responding also takes self-control. We must bring our will under subjection to the power of God, which allows the fruit of the Holy Spirit to blossom, one of which is self-control. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). In addition, Scripture tells us we must add self-control to our foundation of faith:
But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love (2 Peter 1:5-7).
Finally, responding rather than reacting takes time. It may take as long as counting to ten, it may take much longer. In a later chapter we will discuss discipline, including the importance of never doing it in anger – sometimes the ability to respond with appropriate discipline hinges on taking a time out for parents.
“The heart of the righteous studies how to answer…”(Proverbs 15:28).
“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).
Clearly, Scripture instructs that we are not to be reactionary; we are to thoughtfully respond in love.
Remember, our purpose is to glorify God, and that means even in discipline, even when our kids are failing, even when they do not want to listen, even when they are challenging us… even then, we need to respond in love. Because, ultimately, it is His will, not ours.
Proverbs 14:29 says, “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly.” In other words, reacting rather than responding encourages and motivates the folly of continuous childish behavior in our children. This is especially true in strong-willed children.
As I shared previously, during the first four or five years of my oldest son’s life I frequently reacted to his strong-willed behavior like a raving maniac. I was angry, and I abused my authority.
Finally God asked me, “Hey Craig, would you ever put gasoline on a fire when you’re trying to put it out?”
“Of course not.”
“Well every time you get angry and your son knows it, you are provoking him to continuous folly in his behavior.”
Scripture reveals that when we push their buttons, strong-willed kids are going to push us right back. That is the way God wired them. Those strong wills are the Peter’s and Paul’s of the world. We need people like them in our lives, in the Kingdom! They are those who, when they are trained right, face the offer of drugs with, “Hey, no way man, get this stuff out of my face!”
We are to respond in truth, not in our feelings and emotions. “In truth” means that our response is a result of a heart and conscience informed with the Word.
Again, it goes back to our foundation.
“Cursed is the one who does not confirm all the words of this law by observing them. And all the people shall say, ‘Amen!’” (Deuteronomy 27:26). “To confirm” means God’s Word has come into our hearts and dictates our behavior.
We are to respond in love.
“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”
Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:36-39).
In this passage God has elevated the importance of love and the value of human life. When we love and value someone, we treat them accordingly. Obviously, we can choose to respond and react in the opposite of love towards anyone, even our children, to whom we are called to minister to and exemplify Christ.
Here is an example of responding in the opposite of love; many of us have experienced a similar scenario. It is a heated moment, after your child just did something really foolish, and the two of you are in the midst of an intense debate. Then the phone rings, and you stop to answer (it’s a friend of yours): “Hello. Hi, oh yeah, everything’s OK. I’m fine, how are you?” You seem happy to hear from them and your attitude is very pleasant instantly after you picked up the phone. What did you just communicate to your child? The person on the phone is more valuable than him or her.
Sadly, we frequently do that, never even thinking twice about it. Especially when our kids are little, before their cognitive skills are developed, they see it so plainly: “Mom or Dad honors or values that person more than they value me.”
One reason we find so many kids struggling with self-worth today is because this behavior is a common practice within the home, even in Christian homes.
The Bible says that we are to “put on love.” It is a choice, not a feeling. “But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection” Colossians 3:14. The word translated “love” here is “agape.” The Nelson Illustrated Bible Dictionary says this about agape love: “contrary to a popular understanding, the significance of ‘agape’ is not that it is unconditional love, but that it is primarily a love of the will rather than of the emotion.”
Agape love means responding to my children as if I care and they are very valuable even when, in reality I may not care. I may be thinking negative thoughts, but I respond with love and patience. I have learned self-control, the art of quenching my flesh, so that I avoid saying something foolish, something judgmental, mean, or unkind. This is the Fruit of the Spirit, not the Fruit of Craig.
This type of love does not come naturally.
It is not a feeling; it is a choice, yielding to the Holy Spirit.
Love is the decision to put value on another person. Romans 13:8 says, “Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law.”
Communicating love starts with the heart.
Learning to respond in love rather than react from the flesh is a process. Today, I no longer react in anger to my children but respond in love. Praise God, my oldest son has not held any un-forgiveness toward me for the many mistakes during his first six years of life. It is as if God has healed any memory of anger and sinful behavior from me.
If you are trapped in a reactive pattern of behavior, take heart. You and your child can experience similar healing. In the next chapter we will deal with changing that reactive behavior to loving response. It is important to understand; however, if we choose to continue reacting negatively to our children, we will pay dearly.
Parenting is a Ministry by Craig F. Caster, Founder of Family Discipleship Ministries, www.parentingministry.org.
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